Making friends as an adult

"We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over.”

― Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

Making new friends in high school was super easy and you didn't even really have to try. You could literally just talk to the person sitting next to you in class and BAM!... Instant friend. Making friends as an adult is more like going to the dentist. Okay, that's a little dramatic, but it's not as easy as it used to be.

So, what happens when you wake up one day in your twenties and realise you can only count the number of friends you have on one hand...or one finger? Where do you even start?

If this sounds like you, fear not. I've come up with a few tips on how you can start making new and different friends.

1. Stop being so picky and accept all the invites. Be open-minded

You’re not going to make connections with people if you have a rigid, specific idea of where you want to meet them. Sometimes, when you’re so accustomed to something, its difficult to do anything differently. If you’ve always chosen to spend time with people with a certain personality, now is the time to try spending time with people who you wouldn’t normally spend time with. You’d be surprised at how much you may end up liking them. I’ve been guilty of having one very brief conversation with someone and automatically thinking “(s)he is not my type of friend” and then not even trying with them after that. Which is so unfair and judgmental. I’ve learned to give people a chance and only THEN decide whether or not they are my cup of tea. Since doing this I’ve realised that you really can find a friend in just about anyone. It’s just about not making assumptions about what you see at face value.

2. Don’t be afraid to reach out and put yourself out there

This is probably the most important thing on this list. Friends aren’t just going to come to your doorstep. You’re going to have to leave the house and actually meet people. Another thing that I’ve seen happen a few times is friends setting up friends, the same way you would set up a romantic blind date. Which I think is a brilliant idea, actually. Maybe you could ask one of your current friends to set you up on a friend date. Let them know what you’re looking for and let them help you make new and different friends. We're too worried that asking someone for coffee or dinner sounds too much like we’re asking them for a date. Don't overthink too much in the early stages. Put yourself out there and the rest will fall into place.

3. Don't be a stranger

One of the keys to making (and keeping) friends is to keep in touch and to make people feel valued and acknowledged. It's not enough to be friendly, you have to be a friend too. Make sure you check on people, ask how they're doing, be kind, be loyal and be supportive. Be present in that person's life the same way you would want them to be present in yours. What separates some people from the rest is this little thing called effort.

4. Get in touch with people you used to know

This one is often overlooked, but getting in touch with old friends can sometimes be a really good thing. You could reach out to them on Facebook/ Instagram or just send a text if you still have their number. You could end up building a strong friendship but don't get your hopes up because there is obviously a reason why you are no longer friends. It's still worth a shot though. If it doesn't work out, well, you tried.

At the end of the day, you're not alone. We're all winging it. We all feel awkward asking new friends to hang out, we all have a fear of rejection. There is no way to make meaningful connections with people without going through the stages of getting together as strangers first. Every relationship has to start at the beginning.

Thabile x

#friendship